Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
You Might Also Like
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
ACED my prostate exam!
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Attacked by a mop.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.