Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
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When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
You sure about that?
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*