Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
I have no passwords left in me
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.