PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
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The photographer’s assistant
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.