PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
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Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.