Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
He didn’t know that balancing your knife on the edge of the sink means you may make a second sandwich, so now we have some serious talking to do.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Hit me in the face with a bird
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
Facebook is no good for my mental health. *logs onto Twitter instead
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.