*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
You Might Also Like
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
Remember kids — it may be illegal to text and drive; but you can still lawfully handwrite someone a heartfelt letter at 50mph.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Brb my Sims are getting married
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms