PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
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Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Print is alive and well!!!
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Going into Monday like