My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE