PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie