PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
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I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes