[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
You Might Also Like
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
New menu item
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.