@lorigonzalez28: Pinterest could've been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn't be a single cat lady left.
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@juliussharpe: The NSA has been tracking phone records for Verizon customers. They skipped AT&T because those people can't complete calls.
@MarfSalvador: [woken up by barking] wife: oh god it's an intruder! me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it's definitely a dog