Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
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Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
I have never related to anyone more.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.