pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
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god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
#MeanwhileinCanada
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.