pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
You Might Also Like
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.