[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
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My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Salad is the decaf of food.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”