Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
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Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
the three branches of government
Every damn time
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
🎵 so no one told you life was gonna be this waaaaaay… 🎵
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do