Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
You Might Also Like
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
[my first day hosting shopping channel]
“for those of you who love coconut, boy do we have a product for you”
[holds up a coconut]
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.