ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
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Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Meat Cute
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care