[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
dude it’s called proctologist
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.