Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
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Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
This week’s mood.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*