{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
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The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
🤣🤣🤣🤣
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.