*gets down on one knee*
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What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of