[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
I hope Alan is OK
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Ha.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice