馃幎 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 馃幎
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Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i鈥檓 ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware鈥檚 governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
I know
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.