Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
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Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.