*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
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I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water