You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
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The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Me: my point is, if you remove the potatoes from potato salad you aren’t left with salad
Deli Manager:
Me: so what else are you lying about
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
#parenting
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.