@Sickayduh: [Lie detector] "You claim you can move an object by saying just one word. Is this true?" - Yes *needle going nuts* "I, sir, have been owned"

@TlaxBoy05: A techno song lasted longer than my first marriage

@sammyrhodes: Shaving your beard is a great way to remember what you looked like when you were 5.

@iwearaonesie: 9: Why are you hitting that spider? wife: I don't like spiders me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper* mother-in-law [leaving] I don't have to take this

@kramediggles: If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think "oh that girl's not looking at ME she's looking at EVERYTHING"