Pizza is an emotion right?
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Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
an airline just for babies.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
You know she’s a keeper when after your aircraft crashes in the frigid Andes Mountains you catch one another eyeing the surviving passengers like a menu.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.