‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
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Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
sir, my pâté if you please
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.