Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
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7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast
I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
jesus, what did this guy do
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..