“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out