[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
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[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
an airline just for babies.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
When the stylist spins you back around
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
me when the borders lift
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one