[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
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I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Software Development ⛵️
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.