[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day