[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
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If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
#merica
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.