[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
“Adults are lame. After they have kids, they never do anything exciting.”
-my son, blaming the victims
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Duolingo getting serious.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*