Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
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If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”