*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
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HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me