@KrazykurtKurt: Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
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@daemonic3: ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry? HIM: Maui ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
@DanKCharnley: No matter what meal it is, always say you had "brunch" so people know how much better than them you are.
@peterjames48: "I don't have to outrun the bear! Just you!" Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.