[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
You Might Also Like
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him