Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
You Might Also Like
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.