@Breadery: Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won't be unusual.
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@chuuew: [emergency room] NURSE: It seems you've swallowed an abacus? ME: She told me it's what's on the inside that counts WIFE: I hate you
@underchilde: Thanks for telling me to take some ibuprofen for my headache, hotshot. If we're ever in an apocalypse and need a doctor, I'm nominating you!
@YayForJam: Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart