playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
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Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣