@karatechopmonk: I tried coke once. And then for like another 3 years to make sure I didn't like it

@ItsAndyRyan: Wife: I find Italian accents very sexy Me: Okey dokie, let's-a go! Wife: You're doing Mario Me: Sorry Wife: I didn't say stop

@squirrel74wkgn: I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor- ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

@david8hughes: [baby sitting] "Hey, yeah it's me. No, everything's fine. Just a quick question about his legs." "..." "So how many legs did he have?"

@sarcasticmommy4: What I said: GET IN THE CAR! What my kids heard: Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.