Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
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If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
im 7 sauces long
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.