@juliussharpe: Gotta be careful. My astrologer just warned me someone pretending to predict the future would steal my money.

@SwedishCanary: I'm offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.

@canadasandra: When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

@gylertagan: [Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

@david8hughes: [fakes allergic reaction at dinner] Me: I-I'm- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I'm gonna need you to pay for me