Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
Owl Sanctuary
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
Me food shopping alone: $250.00
Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75
Food shopping with the kids: $699.00
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.