@junejuly12: Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working
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@stephenjmolloy: [Job interview] "What are your strengths?" Me: I fall in love easily. "Erm, okay... what are your weaknesses?" Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
@shatterpants: I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.
@JohnLyonTweets: I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.