@junejuly12: Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn't seem to be working
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@TheHyyyype: [at the beach, about to get in the ocean] "but i don't want my stuff stolen" *covers it with towel* "ok now it's safe"
@Shingaboop: Look UPS guy, you can't just show up at someone's house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.
@MarionDowling: Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I've gone.
@dafloydsta: WIFE: Stop spending all our money ME: Okay, fine [later] WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF? ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT