Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
You Might Also Like
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.