[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.