“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
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I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
I can’t stop thinking about this shirt
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.