@Bearslietoo: Playing hard to get works with some men but apparently cops call it "resisting arrest."
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@thenatewolf: *Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please.
@GlennyRodge: "My dog's learning to speak a foreign language." "Español?" "No, he's a labrador."
@TheBoydP: My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend's house for the evening like she didn't see me get in the pool.
@Tmoney68: Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He's been under there changing the oil for 3 days.