Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
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Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street